The past bubbles up like a tar pit to drag me down once again, why can’t I just let go of the past? I’m always rethinking what I should have done, that I should have had an action plan of some sort. I’m always running down the road of “what if” ideas. It’s too late, it’s all done, just get on with your life. I have to remember that I have three beautiful children who are amazing adults.
That I am still alive even though most of the people I knew in the ghetto are dead or in Prison. That I have achieved more than my parents before me. But I’m barely making a leaving now, I’m supporting myself, my wife, and four cats on my salary. I’m just living paycheck to paycheck and kind of just surviving day to day. So did I win this game of life I am leading? Yes, I think so, I did the family thing and nobody died.
Even though I really never took care of myself I’m still kicking, I have an amazing wife who loves me and takes care of me, so that’s what’s really important. But Lately I’ve been feeling like a real loser and I hate that. I just want provide my small family with the best life I can and I feel like that’s not happening right now. Hence the traveling back to the past where I stay in school, where I take those good jobs, where I take my art seriously, Ugh my head just keeps on spinning.