Thursday, August 11, 2016

Thoughts and thoughts....

The past bubbles up like a tar pit to drag me down once again, why can’t I just let go of the past?  I’m always rethinking what I should have done, that I should have had an action plan of some sort.  I’m always running down the road of “what if” ideas.  It’s too late, it’s all done, just get on with your life.  I have to remember that I have three beautiful children who are amazing adults.  

That I am still alive even though most of the people I knew in the ghetto are dead or in Prison.  That I have achieved more than my parents before me.  But I’m barely making a leaving now, I’m supporting myself, my wife, and four cats on my salary.  I’m just living paycheck to paycheck and kind of just surviving day to day.  So did I win this game of life I am leading? Yes, I think so, I did the family thing and nobody died.  

Even though I really never took care of myself I’m still kicking, I have an amazing wife who loves me and takes care of me, so that’s what’s really important.  But Lately I’ve been feeling like a real loser and I hate that.  I just want provide my small family with the best life I can and I feel like that’s not happening right now.  Hence the traveling back to the past where I stay in school, where I take those good jobs, where I take my art seriously, Ugh my head just keeps on spinning. 

2 comments:

Weird WWII said...

I feel ya brother. Most of my family is dead or gone, I lost my ex to her troubled mind and booze and its just me and my little ones fighting a loosing battle to keep my son as comfortable as possible before his illness steals him away from us forever. But you know what, piss on the past and relish the future as it ain't writen yet and you are the dreamweaver of it. We could easily succumb to the sadness and dispair but fuck that! Lets have fun because we all are born and die and that bit in between is LIFE so go live it!! So we are the most loving and geekest freaks we can be and kick the world in the throat!!! Fight and keep fighting because succumbing to lifes challenges and hardships just plane sucks.

Keep kicking like in the throat and love those who are in it as hard and as long as you can.

Brian, Jason, Lola and Panzer

James Rios said...

Amen, Brother, amen. Thanks so much. - J

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